Behaving like an idiot trying to be what i no longer am.
One would think i, of all people, would be used to liminality and simply see things as “beginnings” and “endings”
rather than looking back at the myth of myself.
True, i like who i was.
I was “cooler” in lack of a better term.
Exactly what i am now is as much a mystery to me as it would be to anybody else.
I am a stranger to myself, not fitting in here, nor in my old life.
My old self would:
Not get in a fight unless i was sure that at least I thought the other guy was wrong.
Not get in a fight if i was too drunk to defend myself effectively (or not get very drunk where there was risk for a fight).
Not risk a fight INSIDE the place , risking to get banned.
Not risk a fight where i am i a narrow place and they block the only door.
At least i didnt take it further but let it end before it really bagan (i have no bruises or sores so guess there where no fists ).
I´m not pissed off at myself for backing out of a fight with three guys in a toilet , i´m pissed off at myself for letting the situation occur in the first place (and it was probably my fault).
I´m pissed off at being drunk enough to not remember everything (and let´s face it, really drunk people are pathetic).
I´m pissed off at not finding my bank card (probably left it at the bar).
And i´m pissed off at not even having any fun.
If i left a place drunk, with a black eye and no money but luaghing my head off it would have been one thing.
THAT would have been more like old times.
This was just grey, everyday, cramped attempting to have fun, to be me.
A me that is no more.
Going out is not nearly as fun either.
The whole “larger than life” feeling and social interaction is totally lacking.
I´m just a guy in a bar.
There is nothing “happening” so to speak.
There is no “life”, no “glow”. Just beer.
No extacy (as in the psychological state, not the substance) and i am not “cool”, or even entertained.
I am not interesting to me or to anybody else, and they are not interesting to me either.
I liked the old me.
Maybe a large part of him was myth, but it was myth with a substance and myth acompanied by action.
I want Dionysos!