Alan Shore (James Spader) – Boston Legal: The condom is arguably the single most important invention of the past 2000 years.


Alan Shore: This case isn’t about teenage pregnancy. She didn’t get pregnant. She got H.I.V. I can see why you would want to make it about teenage pregnancy, since, well, actually I can’t. The United States had the worst teen pregnancy rate of any industrialized nation. And contrary to what Mr. Jovanka would like us to believe, there is no evidence whatsoever that suggests using condoms or teaching students about condoms makes them any more inclined to have sex. None. They’re already inclined to have sex and have been since early puberty. They’re simply going to do it, we all do it. Birds do it, bees do it. Educated fleas do it. One day, Your Honor even you… Slamming of gavel.. Yes, the fact is this case has nothing to do with the efficacy of abstinence only programs.

This case is about religion, politics and federal funding. Our present administration, in blind service to the religious right, has transcended the separation of Church and State and consistently implemented a faith-based political and moral mandate. And now that same policy has been passed on to our educational system. If

teach abstinence only, they get federal funding. If they teach any other type of sex education, they don’t. And as a result, the students in these abstinence only programs aren’t being taught the truth about that magnificent technological marvel, the condom. That’s not a dirty word, Your Honor. Condoms. Judge slams gavel again.

They first came on the scene some 3,000 years ago in Egypt. For centuries they wert merrily long in modified forms warding off syphilis, gonorrhea, preventing unplanned pregnancies, until science and medicine eventually caught up and the pill became a much more effective, less intrusive contraceptive. Penicillin and other antibiotics were miracle cures for gonorrhea and syphilis.

The poor humble condom languished. And then came AIDS… this terrifying new disease that panicked the world. For many years, it has been fatal, gruesomely so in every case. There was no vaccine, no cure, no treatment. But there were condoms, and they worked. They were safe, time-tested, easy to use, and they protected both partners. The condom is arguably the single most important invention of the past 2,000 years. In fact, it has been said without exaggeration that the health of the world depends on them. Now one would think that the obvious choice would be for schools to tell their students as much. But Abby’s school… indeed all schools, that teach abstinence only, have chosen to lie. They teach that condoms are ineffective at preventing pregnancies, which is a lie.

They teach that condoms are ineffective at prevent disease, which is a lie. Some of the literature actually compares using a condom to playing Russian Roulette, which is a frightening, despicable, unforgivable lie. Abby Hold has H.I.V., which in all likelihood will develop into AIDS. We’ve sort of forgotten about AIDs in this country. Treatments have improved dramatically. Drugs are keeping people alive for many years after they become infected. But the Grim Butcher’s bill for this pandemic still keeps growing and growing. 65 million people worldwide have become infected. One time unprotected sex can kill you. A condom can save you.

It is inconceivable, that every child in the world isn’t taught that. We should be in criminal court this very moment, trying this obscenely duplicitous school for conspiracy to commit murder. Ah. But frankly, I have no stomach for that. I think of the horror that has been inflicted on this fifteen year old girl, and I’m just so profoundly sad. I can point out the evils of this corrupt system. I can tell you have effective condoms are, the lives they save and on and on and on and… but words seem to be these hollow, useless things rattling around in this courtroom. Because ultimately the lies this school told Abby Holt may… will probably kill her. They have certainly altered her life forever. And in the face of that, all I can think of is … why?

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