Am I A Professional Coward?


I have long wondered if i havent learned a behaviour where it is easier to have a dream than to actually do something and get that dream shot to hell.

It is possable that i picked that up in Ireland as i realized how little personal skills, qualities or knowledges actually matter.

So here i am, dreaming away, even practicing but avoiding doing the real thing.

I have a coach i want to train with.

I know exactly what i want but also that it is highly competetive.

To sum it up, if i cant even work in a bar, how can i dream of something really great….something that really matters to me?

So much easier to simply think “One day”.

The coach i want will cost money (but is well renowned).

Another problem is, there are fewer auditions here.

Regardless, if i move back to Gothenburg i have promised myself to do something besides “thinking”.

I will possably add dancing and singing to it too.

There are certain techniques i prefer and this coach is actually teaching them/working with them.

So why the damn hesitation?

There is also social life.

It was great when i was living in Gothenburg but has been more or less non existant since i moved here.

Will i get a new one or be desillusioned?

CAN i even interact with people anymore?

Have my own standards changed?

I am finally in a situation where i could actually do the things i want, and here i sit.

I want into a venture where the word “No” is much in use and even more so here.

It is also a miliue where subjective judgement is far more common, simply because there is little alternative.

What i´m affraid of is hardly no at an audition.

As far as i see it no at an audition is part of the job.

I guess it is more the fear of simply not getting anywhere for no appearant reason. Something i have a familliarity with in situations where far more objectivity could have helped.

Thinking “Maybe i´m not good enough” is bad, thinking “Maybe i wont be taken seriously regardless of performance” is worse.

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