Spiritual Hydrophobia

As much as i might have at times accused certain members of the G.:D.: of having a phobic relationship with the material (wich is not true btw. Compared to Gnostics in general they are practically BFF´s with Paris Hilton), i myself has harbored a fear of the higher Nephesh.

Affraid of illusion, memories and emotions beyond “control” and determined that my way was “up” (funny enough since many an operation of mine has been aimed at the lower Ruach).

Spiritual Hydrophobia.

Scared of getting the “wrong” things. Invoking a deluge.

“Let there be no difference made among you between any one thing & any other thing; for thereby there cometh hurt.” Liber Al I: 22

Affraid of sacrificing my life to Babalon and offering my blood only in gesture to be mingeled in that blessed cup.

How could life be bliss if one banishes life, keeping it at bay?

Every time i traced a Hexagram was a lie, a blasphemy, accepting only one Triangle, wondering why i couldnt feel my feet?

Refusing the kiss of Nuit.

Asking for, but fearing possabilities beyond what my narrow plans can incorporate.

Expecting to “do” but refusing any material to do it to.

“O man! refuse not thy wife, if she will! O lover, if thou wilt, depart! There is no bond that can unite the divided but love: all else is a curse” Liber Al I:41

Using “The word of sin is restriction” as a mantra, failing to see it goes both ways.

The Devotee´s Dilemma

A problem for me with religion is that i´m actually very devout.

That means disapointment gets bigger too.

An effort to do ones best, and perhaps then some, followed by the disapointment of nothingness.

From a Thelemic viewpoint one might see this as a perfect time for preparing for the annihilation of the false soul / ego before entering the city of pyramids but my experience with life is that all acts remains unrewarded.

FAILING to kill that superflous part of self while entering the abyss would be catastrophal.

A preparatory shedding of illusion of self might however be less catastrophal.

All spiritual things are starting to leave me tired.

Yet, it is not within my personality to be totally apatheistic or atheistic.

I am a very ritualistc person.