Gnostic Catholic Mass In Gothenburg


The altar at Sekhet-Maat Lodge in Portland, Oregon, with Graal and Paten.

 

This sunday i will attend mass at the Homo Est Deus Lodge and local Ecclesia Gnostica Catholica congregation in Gothenburg.

It will be quite a thing that i have been looking forward to.

Despite having been a Thelemite since decades i havent recieved the Eucharist since 96.

I will look into baptism and Confirmation too.

 

An unofficial Ecclesia Gnostica Catholica seal
Design by R. Labhart

Am I A Professional Coward?


I have long wondered if i havent learned a behaviour where it is easier to have a dream than to actually do something and get that dream shot to hell.

It is possable that i picked that up in Ireland as i realized how little personal skills, qualities or knowledges actually matter.

So here i am, dreaming away, even practicing but avoiding doing the real thing.

I have a coach i want to train with.

I know exactly what i want but also that it is highly competetive.

To sum it up, if i cant even work in a bar, how can i dream of something really great….something that really matters to me?

So much easier to simply think “One day”.

The coach i want will cost money (but is well renowned).

Another problem is, there are fewer auditions here.

Regardless, if i move back to Gothenburg i have promised myself to do something besides “thinking”.

I will possably add dancing and singing to it too.

There are certain techniques i prefer and this coach is actually teaching them/working with them.

So why the damn hesitation?

There is also social life.

It was great when i was living in Gothenburg but has been more or less non existant since i moved here.

Will i get a new one or be desillusioned?

CAN i even interact with people anymore?

Have my own standards changed?

I am finally in a situation where i could actually do the things i want, and here i sit.

I want into a venture where the word “No” is much in use and even more so here.

It is also a miliue where subjective judgement is far more common, simply because there is little alternative.

What i´m affraid of is hardly no at an audition.

As far as i see it no at an audition is part of the job.

I guess it is more the fear of simply not getting anywhere for no appearant reason. Something i have a familliarity with in situations where far more objectivity could have helped.

Thinking “Maybe i´m not good enough” is bad, thinking “Maybe i wont be taken seriously regardless of performance” is worse.

Gothenburg, Urban Magic And History Bombing


One thing that bacame even more clear to me as i travelled to my hometown was that a town , or rather, city, has its own magic.

At least to those who come from it.

 

The Magic

 

Shock, Södra Hamngatan 49, Great place for all kinds of alernative clothing, shoes, jewlery.

One thing that hit me as i browsed my favorite clothes shop “Shock”, is that in a city of some relatively significant size and with an urban culture, being cool is something that you do for you.

Here in yokl town i can do my utmost to look ….even acceptably good, but always end up looking like a forest troll.

Clothes look less like cool vintage and more like left over hand me downs and container cases.

Long story short, in Gothenburg you look cool not to impress a girl, not to be the tough guy, not to emulate some favorite artist.

You look cool because you do.

It comes as naturally as the landscape of concrete and trams around you.

You are urban.

Obviously what looks cool or good is subjective but thats just part of the equation.

In a city people are not homgenous. People look different, behave different and not only get away with it, but are considered more interesting than any clone project.

Anyone from from a scruffy beard guy to Barney Stinson can walk the streets feeling like he both belongs and like an anomaly at the same time.

Somehow this uban atmosphere fills me with a kind of magic.

Somehow it makes me someone with a personality, empowers me.

When i flirt, I get cooler.

It is not as much  an act of admiration, at least not in one direction, as a form of communication.

I´m not trying to get attention, i already have it.

It´s just…life.

Living, breathing.

It is like all the life and slight chaos around me feeds something.

 

 

Places

 

I did finally get to drink beer at an outdoor serving bar….several actually, and the sun WAS shining, even if it was not the tropics.

I weant with one of those few friends who “stick around” regardless and with whom years can pass and it still feels like yesterday when you last did something.

I also weant with my mother for Chinese food, again at an outdoor serving (yeah, i´ve been longing).

My birthday happens to fall on the summer solstice so it was a celebration dual in nature.

Sweden actually celebrates midsummer a day after the solstice (i know,i know) so…..some nice days.

There is no doubt i should move back there.

Or at least a similar place.

 

The Temple Pub at Linnégatan 42-44 http://infogoteborg.se/sv/company/840.html

 

History Bombing

 

I slept at my gandmoms for efficiancy and she has like a myriad photos of me, my relatives (whole extended family) and even exés.

Seeing pictures of oneself going further back than i can remember while celebrating being somewhat older than Stonehenge can mess with your mind.

Seeing the whole family at different ages, through generations back to the early 20´th century and at the same time being in the city where so many things have been experienced gave a feeling almost like being high.

A bit Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

A sudden influx of Chi, Prana, Mana or whatever term you prefer, coupled with a whole lot of Jing and Zhen….or Megin to use a Norse term fitting a feeling of personal power and determination.

With this there was angst and fear. Have i wasted my life? Should i have chosen differently?

The stars of Nuit hammering away at my cerebral cortex refusing me any sleep.

 

Prisoner of Superstitio

 

Where i live i am a bit over devout so to speak.

I just dont have much else here.

A critic might argue that i have created make belief friends and meaning in lack of any real ones, and to a part i would be inclined to agree.

On the other hand i was always rather disciplined with spiritual stuff.

One might argue that this is a major role of religion, creating or defining a place, a center, meaning.

Being overly devout was called “Superstitio” by the Romans.

The term includes to much cult acts, fear of the Gods, grovelling and anything else that took away from life rather than added to it.

In an orthoprax religion (such as most pre Christian European religions) there is no real difference or boundry between cult acts like sacrifices and prayers and more mundane things like chopping wood or washing your pits.

Actually there was often not even a term for “religion” as such.

Thus, to follow one of those religions, or rather the modern adaptations of them, one would have to have a life too.

A social , proffesional, love, sex, artistic, physical life.

Spending all the time over an altar was (for most people) not a vitue but the sign of an idiot (there where priestly classes that where exeptions to this rule).

I was once thinking that i seemed more Heathen in rural areas and more Thelemic in urban areas.

I´m not sure if that is true but i felt like there was much more to life when in Gothenburg.

A bit like “applying the customs to something  by actually living wouldnt hurt”.

Convictions well ingrained will stay at the back of the head wether constantly contemplated on or not.

 

 

…..oh, and one of the guys i found at my grandmoms was me, wondering where the hell i´ve been.

looking at those old pictures even i thought i was cool.

So this is where my Mojo has been!

Some people never leaves your heart


Just read up on Mormonism (i had no idea there where so many versions of it) and as an extension of that just HAD to look up an old girlfriend.

My heart is almost beating out of my chest. She looks EXACTLY the same!!!

Painfully beautiful!

Some people never leaves your heart.

 

*Hm, according to the mirror my eyes have also turned Christopher Lee/Dracula red. Should i take a hint?*

The IDEA of LARP


I guess it´s a bit like with love.

One can think one misses a person but what one feels for is really the IDEA of love.

Maybe this applies equally well to friendship, a friend, a group of friends or a sphere in wich one was active.

Sentimentality, nothing more.

Recent events has made me aware that i really DONT miss Gothenburg, the LARP or it´s ….inhabitants.

I have long since understood that LARPing together, even for years doesent make one friends.

My life is ahead, not behind and honestly, i can afford to travel.

Goth clubs, LARPs or shops are not unique to Gothenburg, besides, if i move to Jönköping a train or bus only takes two hours to access the crap should i want to.

Everybody doesent have to like me. I sure dont like everybody.

Everybody dont have to respect me either. I definetly dont respect everyone.

Everyone has to SHOW me respect however.

And i will do the same.