Am I A Professional Coward?


I have long wondered if i havent learned a behaviour where it is easier to have a dream than to actually do something and get that dream shot to hell.

It is possable that i picked that up in Ireland as i realized how little personal skills, qualities or knowledges actually matter.

So here i am, dreaming away, even practicing but avoiding doing the real thing.

I have a coach i want to train with.

I know exactly what i want but also that it is highly competetive.

To sum it up, if i cant even work in a bar, how can i dream of something really great….something that really matters to me?

So much easier to simply think “One day”.

The coach i want will cost money (but is well renowned).

Another problem is, there are fewer auditions here.

Regardless, if i move back to Gothenburg i have promised myself to do something besides “thinking”.

I will possably add dancing and singing to it too.

There are certain techniques i prefer and this coach is actually teaching them/working with them.

So why the damn hesitation?

There is also social life.

It was great when i was living in Gothenburg but has been more or less non existant since i moved here.

Will i get a new one or be desillusioned?

CAN i even interact with people anymore?

Have my own standards changed?

I am finally in a situation where i could actually do the things i want, and here i sit.

I want into a venture where the word “No” is much in use and even more so here.

It is also a miliue where subjective judgement is far more common, simply because there is little alternative.

What i´m affraid of is hardly no at an audition.

As far as i see it no at an audition is part of the job.

I guess it is more the fear of simply not getting anywhere for no appearant reason. Something i have a familliarity with in situations where far more objectivity could have helped.

Thinking “Maybe i´m not good enough” is bad, thinking “Maybe i wont be taken seriously regardless of performance” is worse.

Presentation??? Girls, Acting


Couldnt come up with a better name for the entry, thats all.

Most people knows who Verity Rushworth is so she doesent really NEED a presentation.

But here is the thing. I posted some pictures of her ones upon a time, and a shit load of people are watching them so i wanted to post something “more” on the only girl that can pull off a Yorkshire accent and still make me want to kiss her…..as opposed to the normal headbutt.   😉   *Just kidding*

Btw Windsor – Dingle must be the name combination in the world that covers the biggest social strata ever.

A bit like Caesar – Baldrick.

Both Ireland and Sweden has places called “Dingle”, in both cases total potato peasant land.

Verity Rushworth and Samuel Anderson in Emmerdale

There are three (actually more, but do i even have to mention Dames Judy Dench or Helen Mirren?) English actresses that i simply ADORE both as actresses and because i think they are sexy, beautiful and just….well….adorable (and in one case as nice as she seems, Sinead Matthews actually wrote me once (or replied rather).

This should take some explaining ofcourse (since i´m trying to bloody enjoy a beer).

I am interested in acting

I fancy women.

I do not get starstruck and i do not get impressed by beautiful girls (that is, i do not get all jelly legged and wishes she would talk to me. If we talk we talk).

I DO, however,get impressed with talent. Somebody doing something really well, affecting me.

That goes for any artform (or anything done with passion).

That is, i could play out a love situation, romantic, sexy or whatever it would be, while dancing or acting and not confuse it with me.

That is, if i got a role where i where to kiss Verity Rushworth, i would feel (or aim for, Strassberg you know) what the character fealt kissing her character.

I would not be kissing HER (that would make acting even more unbarable than it can allready be, not that kissing her would be unbarable but it might not be her, or the scene might call for a thousand other personal things) , my character would be kissing her character in the circumstances of the scene.

There would be emotion there, love , passion, lust or whatever the scene called for, but it would be FROM me,they would not BE me.

If however we where to go for a beer after and i kissed her then, that would be personal.

I would be kissing her.

Reason for all this nothingness is simply to explain that i fancy both “professional girl” for her interpretations and her work. Thats one side of me, AND i fancy these three because they are hot ,beautiful and charming, another side of me. Let not one interrupt the noble work of the other.   😉

Sinead Matthews

Sinead Matthews made me (acutely) aware of her when i saw a TV movie called “In love with Barbara “(She played the young Barbara Cartland).

Not until later did i understand that she had already impressed (and charmed) the hell out of me in a movie called “Half broken things”.

She is facinating.

SWEDISH TV, BLOODY GET “IDEAL” ALREADY!!!

Emma Chambers

Emma Chambers.

I have mainly experienced her as Alice Tinker in “The Vicar of Dibley”.

She (the character) is totally flaky, has the intelligence of a tomato and is totally wonderful.

I fall in love everytime i see it.

I want to see her in more roles (some dramatic).

I can say that Sinead has actually gotten me hooked on theater.

Sinead Matthews in "Women of Troy"

I was mainly interested in acting before a camera since it can pic up things in the way it can (camera, direction, cutting and so on takes on an entety of themselves. This beast can make the slightest movement of your pupil or nostril act for you.).

Even a still picture of Sinead can make me facinated with what you can do with light or…or… dare i say….nothing at all.

How facinating it could be to walk into a room of five people and act to them, perhaps even having the audience walk around you.

Perhaps this is why i have been doing LARP (many a Swedish LARP has the quality of a theater production….exept the actors are the audience and its all, more or less, improviced).

Wait a minute…..isnt this what we call audition???